Shove The Ideals

Last week I realized I had achieved my “goal weight” that I had set years ago... you know what? It was so freaking anti climatic! The thing is, I plucked that number out of the air but never put in much effort to get to that goal weight, it was just some mystical number I had decided would mean I feel good in my body. It didn’t really have any facts or emotions attached to it.

In May this year, I reached rock bottom with my health. I found myself in a place where I realized that it was time to make some big changes and no one could do those for me. It had to be me.

So, I dug in. I set an intention to make my health a priority and I did the things that felt good in my body. I started to see changes. My adrenals started to function better, my hormones and endocrine system started to improve, my general well-being started to shift, my energy levels changed, everything felt different. You know what also happened? I started to drop pounds and pounds of weight.

At the same time I really dug in to heal my own trauma, to release trapped emotions and dig deep in finding the truest me. The pounds continued to drop off, but I discovered that it was no longer my goal.

Last week when I stepped on the scale it took me by surprise to see that I had not only reached, but had surpassed my goal weight. The thing is, it wasn’t about weight anymore. It was about feeling healthy and good in my physical body as well as being in good shape emotionally and spiritually too.

Even with all the work and growth I'd done, one thing that didn’t really change was the way I viewed my body. Here I am, 50 lbs lighter than I was 5 months ago, and I still looked at myself and would see all the lumps and bumps. I would see the flaws. I saw the things I was shameful of or unhappy with. I had the fleeting thought of “well, maybe I’ll drop 10 more lbs...” I don't even know what the end of that sentence was going to be, but whatever it was, I just knew that vibrationally it didn't feel good.

Then something happened this weekend... I stood in the changing room under the harsh light and in front of the enormous (and very unflattering) mirrors, and for the first time ever in my life, as I looked at the reflection I saw a body that had always been there for me. I saw physical matter that had carried my soul through some of the toughest times in my life, and had been there with me through every moment that life had brought my way. I saw a body that had physically created, carried and nurtured two of the most incredible humans I have ever met. I saw myself with fresh eyes filled with love and gratitude. As cliche as it sounds, in that moment I fully understood that weight is just a number... your pant size is irrelevant and truthfully doesn't mean a thing about the physical shell that holds our infinite beings. I kept hearing that over and over again. This is a physical container that holds the infinity of what you are.

I am sitting here with a new found love for my body. I am so freaking thankful for a legs that will let me run after my girls and play games with them, for arms that can hug a friend or reach out to offer comfort another soul in need. I’m thankful for every square inch of this physical form I have been given, even the ones I have long hated and talked about with words I would never say about another. For the first time, I truly saw all of myself with the eyes of love, and I know that no matter what the number is on the scales or the tag of my pants, I am whole and I am here for a reason.

Let’s tell society to shove all the body image “ideals” up their a$$, shall we? Can we bring love and acceptance to our body.

We need it. Our world needs it. My girls and all of our children deserve to live in a world where we celebrate our body in its physical, emotional and spiritual forms.

I am here for it. ✨